8/5/20 ***Had a call from Sashi

I asked his opinion on Els.  He said it's not worth it if I get caught.  As it is I am dependent on my wife on my livelihood.

Nobody seemed to think that Els is worth the trouble. 

I need to bring her down from the pedestal.  She is not worthy to be put high up.

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As it is, I am back to myself before the MCO.  Except that I cannot freely go out and eat.  Partly because of Ramadan and also because of social distancing.

To me it is the inconvenience of going out and the possibility that the risk is higher when I go out.

Certainly I am cured of the Bipolar.  I am out of limerence too.  Otherwise I will experience a roller coaster ride right now.

This is good.  I am able to solve my most challenging issue; which is smoking.

At the same time, I don't feel that withdrawing from Els is that bad.

She is a nothing really.  She is a young girl that I like very much.  But being young, she is arrogant and short sighted.

I wonder what else will I write if I don't write about her.

You seemed to have a liking towards her.

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I need to resell my blazer.  The guy had cold feet.  I am selling another blazer as well.

As it is these are the last items I can sell.

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Sarah, it is a good thing I let go of Els.  There is no future there.  I think at best I had a fling with her.  A very short fling.  Then it is downhill from there.  She is beyond reason.

I feel lighter without her in my mind.

This is what I wrote to Yati:

[9:06 PM, 5/8/2020] sharudinj: Macam lah kita nak sontot dia
[10:01 PM, 5/8/2020] Yati: Biasalah
[10:01 PM, 5/8/2020] Yati: Lg tau kena layan 
Lagi mengada
[10:01 PM, 5/8/2020] Yati: 🤣🤣

I said, "As if I want to fuck her."
Yati said, "Normal for women.  The more you pursue, the more they play hard to get."

So that's how the cookie crumbles.

What can I say Sarah, I tried to be kind.

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You know Sarah, I can easily bypass Els if I get my cup filled on regular basis.  So I'm going to hang out with you more often.

Of course I will ramble a lot when I am with you.

We got 30 minutes to go.

Here is your lullaby:

I want to move forward Sarah.  So tonight I will try to sleep early again.  Goodnight baby.  I love you so much.  Let's try again 6:30 am tomorrow.

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