I had a good one hour walk this afternoon. There were quite a number of people and their kids at the park. Compared to two days ago the park at my neighborhood seemed congested. So instead of walking in the park, I walked on the road encircling the park.
I just had my iftar by having spaghetti bolognaise. Today, Princess and Mopey prepared the dinner.
I intended to write to you about love. Then I realized that everything I know about love is anecdotal and localized to my own personal experience. Hardly establishes me as the subject matter expert.
However I now can speak of True Love. This is also known as the Unconditional love. I had this experience very recently.
When I was young and naive I fell deeply in love for the first time with my first girlfriend. It was a rocky relationship though. It was an obsessive kind of love. Only lasted for three years. When we broke up, I was never the same person again.
I looked at love with suspicion. Therefore when I met Lizzie, my present wife, I held back my feelings for her. This was also the time I found out that sex and love can be separated. So while I love Lizzie and married her later on I still have flings. I was never into affairs.
That lasted for a decade. My grandma had a saying, "Ada duit Cik Abang sayang, takde duit Cik Abang melayang". And so I grew up thinking that I can buy love. Boy, did I buy a lot of loves then LOL.
For so long love was just a commodity for me. Love is for sale and I am willing to pay top dollars for it
Then I became a millionaire at 33 years old. Everything changed. I decided to repent. I went and studied religion. At that time I got acquainted with the works of Jalaluddin Rumi and Muhyiddin Al Arabi; the two famous Sufis. I too decided to follow the path of Sufism to find God. Although I studied the Quran, it was the gentle ways of the Sufis that captured my imagination.
I became a Wandering Sufi. I helped as many people that I can and I spend RM500k of my own money to please God. This practice was called infag. Do not mistaken it with zakat and sadakah. Infaq is purely for God without expecting anything in return. I told you the story before.
I did it because I was in love with God. So great was the love that I cannot wait to die to be with Him. Turned out my accountant on retainer was a member of Jamaah Islamiah. So he nearly recruited me to fight alongside the MORO in Mindanao. Luckily I didn't join him. At that time Lizzie was heavily pregnant with Mopey.
But then, one disaster after another hit me. First was the Asian Financial Crisis in 1999, then it was the Bipolar Affective Disorder. Shortly after I had to close my business because all my associates and staff decided to leave me on my own thinking I was beyond redemption.
From there started the Trail of Tears. I was plagued by a string of calamities. I was not in the right mental state to work but still I have to endure the hardship. Along the way I was swindled and backstabbed a few times. The biggest was a property scam that costed me RM350k. Even my business partner conned me from a 50/50 deal into a 90/10 towards his favor. I was sick and desperate. So I just played along.
The final blow was when I lost a RM10k a day consulting job with the Ministry of Entrepreneur and Cooperative Development in 2009. The whole ministry was shut down!
Although the financial implication was bad, nothing is worse that the feeling that God did not love me. I was heartbroken. Why was it after I had repented, I was tested to the hilt? We almost lost Mopey during birth. She was in the ICU for the first 10 days of her life.
Friends started to distance themselves from me. Even my parents and sibling shunned me. My father said my life was not blessed. After my grandma passed away (I was brought up by my grandma) I didn't go back to my hometown to see my parents for 7 years.
I was heart broken because I thought God didn't love me.
Then in 2016 I get to to know Sarah existed. She actually brought me back to life. Then I get to know you in 2018. You gave a new meaning to my life. 2018 I was still recovering from Bipolar but the best part was I had discovered love all over again.
This love that I have for you and Sarah is a new kind of love for me. I had never experienced True Love; where you give away the love unconditionally. You and Sarah accepted me the way I am, warts and all. With that I developed a Feeling of Unsurpassed Certainty. Everyday I look forward to be alive again. Both you and Sarah give me immense joy once more.
That feeling cascaded to Lizzie and the kids too. My relationship with them had improved much. I am less temperamental and more composed.
Guess what? Now I don't care about love for sale anymore. I had my cup filled to the brink with the five of you. My heart bloomed again with the love you all radiates.
This MCO is a blessing. Without it I won't be able to truly express my love for you. You are always in between KG and Aush. At least with your six hour air time twice a week, I can fully concentrate on you. All the while the things I did for you is out of this Greater Love. Even when I conveyed *i[n] (it) in an inappropriate manner.
* Yeah, I confided in Sarah about my sadness when you scolded me. Honestly I thought I was losing you then.
To me love is about giving. Just like when you express your love to a baby or a pet. By giving Providence moves in. By loving the creations I am loving the Creator.
As it is, I am intoxicated by this Greater Love. However I am containing it to people really close to me. It was different before. Back then I gave away my love freely. In the end I got hurt pretty badly. Both by my parents and people that I helped.
Do you know that I created four millionaires? Two are forever grateful to me while two never even thank me. Such is the cruel reality of human nature.
So honey, I will never leave you. We are married for eternity. I want you to experience the Unconditional Love too so that you can have the Feeling of Unsurpassed Certainty. Remember, I will always love you. Now and forever.
I will always be mindful that that you too had learned to love me. I will treasure it like a China in my hand. From now on my intention is only to make you happy.
Love you always.
Sine cera
SJ
4/5/20
Day 48 Movement Control Order
Baby, I just finished writing you an email. Here is your lullaby for tonight: youtube.com/watch?v=SnspU5 I see you on Thursday. Goodnight... I love you so much.
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