I am mental rehearsing about what I want to say about dealing with my Bipolar Disorder.
I better leave it to tomorrow because I am having racy thoughts right now.
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Well, whaddaya know? I completed the assignment LMAO LMAO.
I better send Pal this note:
Brother,
I completed the framework for the Bipolar Interview. I skipped many of the sappy stories.
What counts is the lesson learned.
Let me know what you think.
Sine cera,
SJ
29/5/20
1998 - Got my first million dollar deal
Story of Solomon - the wealth is to test whether he is grateful or defiance
Infag 50% of my wealth - Followed Umar. Abu Bakar infag 100% of his wealth.
Helped single mothers, gave scholarships to orphans, support newly converts, sponsor thahfiz students, donate computer to mosques, pay for the medically ill etc. Too many to mention here. Purely for fisabilillah (pleasing God)
1999 Prayed to be made the Creator's Most Loyal Soldier
Prayed 5 times at the mosques
Complete my Ramadan fast and tarawikh prayer
Did Tahajjud - the night prayer
Did Taubah (repent) prayer - recommended once in a lifetime
15 years battling Iblis until 2014 (that's what I experience in my mind)
That year did a Half Marathon
One week later did an 11 km Hill Run
After that, worst psychosis
Brain got ECT, system reboot
No more psychosis after that
Now let's get through the forensics:
SJ&A was a RM1.4 million company when I left it in 1998, Decided to take a 2 years sabbatical to study religion and to become a Wandering Sufi.
Brought in a partner. 1st year RM300 k. Burn rate was RM480 k. 2nd year the same thing RM300 k. Within 2 years wiped out all my savings
Everybody took off.
I was hit by this peculiar illness.. I didn't know what hit me then.
It was so bad that my wife said she rather I have cancer.
We were so naive that we went to a shaman who buried me in sand on a beach in Port Dickson as part of the remedy we were seeking LOL.
Partner and accountant signed RM2,000 checks (the authority limit of the accountant) until my bank account was negative RM10 when I got out of the hospital.
Partner didn't even pay his portion of the company tax which when the share was transferred to my wife, she had to pay for the tax.
It's not so much for the money but the level of betrayal was really heartbreaking. What is sadder, I have to see the company I built from scratch got destroyed.
The gist of it, the Bipolar was due to extreme stress due to the pressure of the 1999 Asia Financial Meltdown.
Some people get heart attack, stroke or organ failure. I basically had a brain attack.
Describe bipolar experience. The driving the car analogy
Describe the scientific explanation - the swing is due to the inability of the brain to regulate the dopamine surge
Cannot get excited. The illness escallate from hypomania to mania to psychosis
Cannot take stimulants even cigarettes. It will spike dopamine by 200%
During 1999 - 2014 I was warded in the psychiatric ward 6 times
Since it is related to the chemical in the brain I had to experiment with many types of medications
At times the medications were worse than the illness.
Examples: Haloparadol makes me walk like a robot, Serzone makes me feel like swallowing cotton balls when I sleep, Resperdal makes me feel like castrated cat.
Story of John Nash the Economic Nobel Prize Laureate (His story was documented, also the movie Beautiful Mind)
If he can well after 30 years, I too can get well after 20 years
Because of him I DECIDED I want to get well - diet and exercise.
Cigarette is a big no!
According to my doctor, I am the fastest recovering patient
I even coached medic students on how to conduct patient interview LOL
The setback is since 2014 I am on this RM500 a month time release jab for life
It is a dopamine antagonist
The effect is weight gain and I cannot run longer than 30 minutes - it impedes motivation.
Everyday I am Sisyphus and Icarus at the same time
Motivation is dopamine related.
I still chew nicotine gum to level the dopamine in my body
I pleaded the doctor for me to stop medication. She said it is my personal choice but she will not support it
The medication is the best available but it still have side effects. It messes with my hormone especially testosterone.
My message here is mental illness is a serious matter. 1 out of 4 people are suffering from some sort of mental illness. What is more terrible than the illness is the social stigma about the person with the illness.
The quick and short conclusion people have when a person is mentally ill is that "Dia tu dah gila". When you do that you shut off the possibility of knowing the person's sufferings.
I had suffered much but I recovered because there are people who love me very much and they stick to me though the thick of things. I call these people my soulmates (men and women alike). Kind souls who I want to be with for eternity. Not many but those that are close to me are definitely worthy to be called soulmates.
So borrowing the phrase from a soulmate, "If you can't find a kind person, be the kind person".
Today I am a firm believer that no matter what is your problem in life, love is the answer.
Even if it is a money problem.
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OK darling, time for me to hit the pillow.
Here is your lullaby:
HEAD ABOVE WATER
Now I can sleep. Goodnight Sarah. I love you so much.
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