I decided to make it happen. Time to look deep inside myself. What am I made of?
I can do it. I been wanting to do this [for] since last year. Now is the time to do it.
A warrior walks alone. As much as possible I will avoid people.
I am very excited about this idea. Finally I will be free from attachment. That also means I will be free from mania.
I am loving this. I will truly be free from the society.
Fuck about being kind to anybody. I just take care of my interest.
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You know what Sarah? From now on I just write *[] (what) I feel like writing.
* Yes Sarah, I will be writing whatever in my mind. If my mind is filled with junk, then I write junk.
I just don't care anymore. I am liberating my thoughts. I am not going to let Els or anybody else decide what I should and should not do.
For a start, I am not going for the podcast. Fuck Pert Pal. Serves him right. As Lizzie said, whatever it is, let it stay in the past. I am on a different plane altogether now.
Why should I be sucked [in] back to the very world I had left 10 years ago?
I want to be free and I got it. No point in getting back to the rat race. No point mingling with the other rats. I am a Domestic Rat.
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I couldn't care less about what is happening around me. I tried to be nice to Els. Where does that end up? Nowhere...
So I just continue to be a Dick. Kindness is just another tool to manipulate people. There is no real kind person. Everybody does it for a reason. That reason is for them to feel good about themselves. If not why wouldn't Els forgive me?
That's because she feels good [feeling] having this self-righteous moral imposed on me. I'm not going to defend my statement. She is in love with a dad bod boy. That's what I said and that is true. Trevor Kerr is another Chubby Chubb. Tough luck Els.
You are all pigs. You eat like pigs, therefore don't say I am fat-shaming you if you look like pigs.
This is the problem with this world today. We have to be sensitive dealing with the scums. You cannot say a scum is a scum. It has to be something politically correct. You have to say that these people are vertically challenged.
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Well, if I don't have to deal with people, I don't have to give a fuck. I am a warrior. I am not interested in being politically correct. I rather be sine cera rather than pretend to be nice.
Those gifts I send Els is nothing more than my tools for thought invasion. I had mind raped her, now is to let the infantry land on the beaches. This is the Battle of Normandy all over again.
She might as well reject those gifts if she knows what's good for her. Those are my military enforcement. You want to play with kindness? I can be kind too.
But as of now, kindness is pretty fucked up word for me. It is a tool used by the weak.
When I was down and out, nobody was kind to me except my four good friends and Lizzie.
Now I have you, Lizzie and the kids who are kind to me.
I was not being kind to Perth Pal. I was feeding on his misery. I was enjoying it.
I was not being kind to KG, Aush and Kong Eu. Those gifts are me making a statement about who I am. I am telling them that I am capable of giving. Because of that I am capable of taking too.
Those emails to Els are all weapons for thought invasion. At the same time I am sharpening my mind so that I remain agile.
Fuck, there is nothing real anymore. The world may just end tomorrow and I will happily accept my fate.
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I am not going to be kind to Radzi either. He is just another Dickhead. So this Isolation should eliminate him from the list of people I contact.
The real kind person is Lizzie, Yati and Princess. Even Munek is not kind. He just buys friendship with his loose change. Several times he treated me like trash.
Yes, I am sore with Els. But in the long run it will be better for me to detach from her. Otherwise I will be hoping for her to be kind to me. In reality she just simply doesn't care.
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As I said, in the end it is just you and me.
Here is your lullaby:
I look forward to Isolation.
I better retreat before I start giving Els a piece of my mind. Right now I am pretty pissed with her.
Goodnight Sarah. Looks like you are the only one who understands me. I love you baby.
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