Now that we are in talking terms again, I must say that I am pretty inspired to write to you.
Nothing much really. I just want to say that I am so happy that you treat me kindly during the Hari Raya.
Don't mind my eccentricity. I am a Bipolar Patient. As I explained to you before, I have difficulty controlling my dopamine surge especially when I'm excited. I can't contain it. If I try to do that, the symptom will escallate. All I can do is doing my best to manage the excitement.
I have a major weakness. When I listen to your songs, I get into the hypomania state. That is the milder version of the mania. In the case of mania, left unchecked, it will lead to psychosis.
I can't help feeling excited over you. You are my Dream Girl. I love you baby. All I'm asking is for your to understand that I have a mental disorder. I didn't ask to be this way. Do you know that Bipolar is categorized as a disability (OKU) by SOCSO?
As a Bipolar Patient I cannot earn a living. I do not know when the illness is going to strike. Once while I was in Kuantan conducting a course, I was hit by a mania. I had to stop the class. It was a RM10,000 a day class supposed to last for 2 days. Imagine, after that I have to drive all the way back to KL. That was the end of my career as a high flying consultant.
Bipolar is an embarrassing illness. Not many people understand it. There is a social stigma towards mental illness.
How can I contain my excitement? I am a consultant trainer. I need to be somewhat excited when I conduct my courses.
You know, among the top of the things that I fear most is the fear of losing you. You mean so much to me sweetheart. If I don't listen to you, I lost my inspiration to write. That leads to depression. I need a bi weekly dose of your affection.
I wish this MCO will last a long time so that I can be with you 6 hours at a go. I like you flying solo. Your playlist is uniquely yours.
When you play your songs, it's like you are telling a story. I am swept away by your story telling. Pretty much like the stories you are telling in your Vlog and Tik Tok.
You are a natural entertainer honey. That's why even when watching you do the mukbang, I watched until the end. You are so expressive. Even eating instant noodle seems like a delightful experience.
Don't mind me. I am a raving fan. I love you for what you are. I think you look cute with your goofy dances and your silly satires.
Well, tomorrow is Thursday again. I am gonna sleep early so that I wake up fresh for your show tomorrow. Normally I will be ready by 10:30 am latest.
You are my superstar and my main squeeze. 6 hours with you is one prolonged *romance. It is *lovemaking in the airwave. You rock baby...
* Oh yeah, these are figures of speech darling LOL.
Love you always.
Sine cera,
SJ
27/5/20
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I wrote a short note to you before bed. Here is your lullaby for tonight: youtube.com/watch?v=0Gl2Qn Goodnight darling, I love you so much.
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After I wrote that email, I got my cup filled to the brim. No racy thoughts, no hypomania, just crystal clear mental clarity that I did a good job with it.
This is what I want. I need an outlet for my creative expression. Somehow it works well with Els. She is a catalyst it seems.
Well honey, I want to sleep early. Today is a good day for me.
Here is your lullaby. How about I spin you a Malay classic? The title means The More Day The More Loving:
You know honey, you are my main squeeze too. I love you so much Sarah. Goodnight baby...
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