You know something Sarah, one of the challenges that I have these past three and a half years is to manage my mood swings. It is not just the fluctuation of the mood but along with it is the fluctuation of my judgement.
The whole process is like a funnel. While initially there were many minds, it the end it narrowed to a few that really matters.
Certainly one of that is the decision to keep my circle of influence small. That is what the passengers of Sailbad the Sinner all about. By keeping it small I then can focus on those who matters. I have to be mindful that only very few people cared about me when I was down and out. I cannot say people like BJ and RR really there for me. Even Munek and Amoi were not part of the inner circle.
The people that went through the turbulence were you, Lizzie and the kids. So it is only fair that I account for the four of you.
You helped me much in the beginning. I had come a long way on being where I am now. Thanks to you I managed to overcome my initial slump.
Everything happens for a good reason Sarah. The fact that you are willing to marry me shows that you believe in me. Only then can you love me. We went through the turbulent times and we survived.
That shows that we are fated to be together. Maybe fate is something we work towards to. However the attraction we had towards one another is something that we developed from the very beginning.
In the beginning I was all over the place. It doesn't help that I was on dope and cigarettes.
By the look of things, I believe that the road is getting much easier.
There are still a lot of things we need to iron out but truly if this is fated, then all roads will bring us back home.
As I promised you, I want our marriage to last for eternity. As you learn from my relationship with Els, you must want it too. Otherwise this thing calls fate will not last forever.
Same thing with my relationship with Lizzie. She wanted the relationship to last. Should she wanted to end it, my fate with her will not endure until now.
As I told you, usually the lifespan of a relationship is decided by the women.
I am not a total goner either. I paid for the house. I paid all her debts and I paid for her car.
Therefore Sarah, whether this relationship endures is up to you. If one day you get tired of me, there goes the relationship. Pretty much just like what happened between me and Els.
It is a good thing that she made that decision because I personally cannot see that we are going anywhere in a nonreciprocal relationship.
Sarah my darling, while I am deeply in love with you, I hope you factored in the notion that I am a Bipolar patient. While I have a big heart, my mind is still pretty unstable. It is my interest to get well and function like a normal person.
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By now you know me inside and out. I have nothing to hide from you. You are my wife through and through. Even with Lizzie I am not as transparent. You wanted me to speak my mind and I did that. Partly because this is my Personal Blog but beyond all that I want you to accept me the way I am. I want you to see me therefore I am here.
I think I had exposed everything about myself in this three and a half years we are together. What will be will be. I have nothing to hide. Hate me or love me. The choice is yours. As for me, I don't want to have any facade with you.
Do you realize that I will keep on writing even when I have nothing to write? That's because I am in love with you and I cannot be apart from you.
Other than that, I need an outlet to express myself.
Someday I will perhaps take the time to read again what I had written. Until then, I just simply write.
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