I had decided to dump Els on 31/3/20. I should stick to that plan. It was a good decision. Same goes with not tweeting TraXX.
I just want to be belonged. However if I looked at it at the wrong places, I'll get hurt.
I just let her pass. No point really. I had crossed the line.
What do you think Sarah? To be or not to be? Actually I feel *ba[ck] (bad) because now I no longer have a person I can menyakat. I am really bad at saying goodbye.
* What this mean Sarah? I should ignore her?
The truth is Els is water under the bridge. I'll stick to my road map and follow where the argument leads. I'll send the two letters.
I feel bad because I cannot get it the way I want it. It's not because I have feelings for her. She is just a pet. More of a plaything than anything else. I like her because she was fun to be with. However when she is mad, she is a pain in the neck.
This is damn you if you do and damn you if you don't situation. I just try to wing it through. In the end, I might end up with nothing.
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Honestly, like everybody else, I want to be accepted. That is my issue. It's not that I am so in love with Els. I think as a person, she is a nuisance. Personally I think she is a lousy lay. So why I still seek her attention? That's because I enjoy menyakat (intimidate) her.
In a sense I am just a bully. Can you accept the explanation Sarah?
It is not my intention to bully her. Bullying is just a tool. So now instead of bullying, I'll be nice instead.
I think in the end there is nothing.
I want to send the letters because I still want to salvage the situation. However if I look at the situation, I say it is beyond redemption. I'll try one last time. Then I keep it an open ended closure.
As it is, there is nothing between me and her.
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