I dreamed that I was back in Mesiniaga selling computer. I was mentoring a rookie named Harry Toolseram (my collegemate) and there was my Marketing Director, Wan Fusil cross examining me.
I feel really good this morning.
I don't know how I can entangle myself in the mess I was in. I was pretty messed up person. If I want to set things straight I got to go back to when I was 5 years old. That's how far my life was fucked up.
If I want to look at the time I was happy, then I say that will be in 1986 - 1988, 2013 - 2014 and 2017 - 2019.
The rest are really fucked up years. So what do I do? I have to start from now. No more fuck ups. It has to start with me dumping Els. That is a potential problem there and then. A nonreciprocal relationship.
If I want to design a future, what will it be then? It will be a future where I will no longer have a blunder. I have so many blunders in my life.
I remember my first sweetheart, Hazlina Ismail. I was 12 then. Such a sweet girl. I had many sweet girls in my life. There was Yuslina, the younger sister of my friend when I was 15. Then there was Engku Badariah, who moved from my district to another district. I got to know that she went to a boarding school and I remained in touch with until I was 17. Then there was this Sharifah Laila Farina an older sister of my pet brother.
Live was good when I was in the primary school. However, I really dread secondary school. There were no girls. So ended some of the boys went for other younger boys. Pretty sickening.
Fast forward to the future, I was head over heels for Els. I made many wrong moves with her. All because of the Bipolar Disorder. Such is my fate with girls.
Most of them are flings. Nothing to it really. As far as serious relationship is concerned, it was Rose (my first girlfriend), Lizzie and then you..
I don't do well with women. My relationship with Els especially was a disaster. I was a Dickhead who don't know how to treat girls. Either I was overly sanguine (sign of mania) or I was melancholic (sign of depression). It's a good thing that my gift to Els got canceled. Otherwise I will be wasting money for nothing.
From now on, my objective is to be as level headed as possible. What's wrong with me Sarah? Why was I given the illness?
Now when I think about it, I was a delusional person. All these talks on God and the afterlife are not going anywhere. So that has to go. I am not going to dwell in such a thought anymore. It is now nothing more than a passing thought. I really don't know if God and the afterlife exist. However I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt.
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