13/4/20 ^^^Understanding my relationship with Els

As I mentioned, this whole thing about me contacting her is about me feeling good about myself.  It has nothing to do about her feeling good.

I need to express myself and I need an outlet to do so.  When I stop contacting her, I am depriving myself th[is] (the) opportunity to express myself.

That's all to it.  Not about feeling of love whatsoever.  It is just a basic human need to express oneself.

If I shut off all the channels to express myself, then I am truly enclosing myself from the external elements.

So Sarah, while I need to express myself to her, she doesn't have to even acknowledge it.  It is me expressing myself.

Already I am running short of options to express myself.  By shutting down my outlet to her, I am doing injustice to myself, not her.

I can't stand her songs today.  But then it is a mental link I have that counts.  For the next 2 hours, she gives me a sense of purpose.  A meaning to my existence.

All  the gifts I send to her were things to make me feel good.

In a way I was serving my self-interest.  It was me who need to feel good and I need her to feel that.

Otherwise, I don't have to go head over heel for a chick that treat me as if I am invisible.

What option do I have?  She is the cheapest option.  For twice a week dose I get my cup filled.

With her, all I need is to spend my time.  That I got plenty of.  I registered to the dating sites.  They all cost money.  I rather not waste time and MONEY.  I might as well waste time and money on somebody that I had been pursuing for 2 years.  Not only that, she is a unit trust.  Every Mondays and Thursdays, I have a sitting duck as a target.

Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

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12s

@elsDines

@traxxfmofficial

#traxxfm Since you gonna entertain me for 6 hours, allow me to entertain you with this song:

Again, it's because I need to express my feeling of love.  Not so much because I love her.  It's two different things.  How can I love her if she is treating me like dirt?  However in the absence of a more viable option, she acted as my outlet.  In another word, she is the next best thing to falling in love.  She allows me the means to express myself.

No, I am not being aloof.  I am just being real.  I need to build a layer to my feelings towards her.  If not I will get hurt real bad.

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