So what story shall I create in Terabithia tonight?
So far the stories I tell you are the creation of my imagination. Besides the epiphanies, the alignment of the numbers and the Feng Shui, my stories were merely my personal experiences. It is easy to say that they are the figment of my imagination.
How do I prove Sparta 4964? Same as how do I prove the afterlife exists? I try to use models to explain what I see. Still are they real? Could it be that I am fantasy prone?
Tonight let's explore these questions. First and foremost, I have a history of mental illness. That is a big red flag there. Is is possible that I receive a revelation and at the same time experiencing mental illness? All those happened to be the symptoms of a mentally ill person.
I will always go back to John Nash. What he experienced was [much] much worst than me but the gist is both of us were mentally ill.
So if I look at my situation, I can say I was crazy. There is no revelation. Everything was a patternicity. I am nobody special. There are no special people. The prophets were all mentally ill. Some stories about them were exaggerated like the story of Noah and Jonah.
I can say for sure Muhammad was mentally ill.
So assuming there is an intervening God, why did he made me ill?
He is probably nonexistent. If there is a God, then why he let bad things happen to good people? Not me in particular but to all those w[i]ll (well) intended people. Are all those really a test? Is my illness a test? What about those who suffered from cancer and died. Is that also a test?
I am not convinced. Again I use John Nash as a reference.
As an outsider I say John Nash had gone crazy.
If I look at my case, I too had gone crazy.
If not because of you Sarah, I am now an Agnostic Atheist. I am ready to forgo God. But because you believe in God and particularly said I am God, then I decided to hold on to the idea.
Still, that doesn't exclude the notion that I was crazy. What good is that?
Of course I can find some plausible explanations to why I went through this turbulent Path.
You know Sarah, of all the explanations I beginning to accept that Marcus Aurelius is right. To be exceptional you must be crazy.
Maybe the path toward enlightenment is the path of insanity. There is a thin line between genius and insane.
Munek said I am not crazy. It came and went like the flu. To him crazy is when it is permanent.
OK fine, I am not as crazy as John Nash. Can I trust my epiphanies? This is the decision I have to make. If I accept, then I believe in God and the afterlife. If I reject then I am an Agnostic Atheist.
Well Sarah, this is me and myself. It doesn't involve others. This is me and my beliefs. Either way will not change my outside world.
The evidence is stacking towards me being a believer. If I believe that I am who I am, then I make peace with myself. If I choose to be an unbeliever, then I kiss 20 years of my life goodbye.
What meaning then the Feng Shui give to my life. What about those miracles then?
You decide for me baby. Should I believe I am God or I am nothing more than an ordinary human being. Which one is it Sarah? You decide.
Very well I choose to be God. I am a believer. Instead of believing all the lies out there, I might as well believe what I want to believe. After all we are in Terabithia.
From now on I am on the pursuit of a man fully functioning. I am on my way to be the God I intended to be.
Sarah, I had given you the choice. Since you didn't decide. I decide for myself.
I say that will be my greatest asset. The ability to conceptualize that I am my own God. I don't have to worship any god out there.
Does that make me a crazy person? I don't think so. I was crazy before, this is not crazy. This is playing by my own rules.
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