1/6/20 ***I have to rest a bit

I had not been sleeping well this week.

Also I am in hypomania.  If I don't manage well, I will get into mania.

Lizzie knew me better. I cannot get excited.

I think I lay low tomorrow.

I will start the Fitness 22 training program in the morning.  In the afternoon I just walk.

That means I'll sleep early tonight.

LESSON FOR THE PAST ONE MONTH:  I HAVE TO PRACTICE SELF-RESTRAINT

I think I blew it with everybody.

This hypomania is bad.  I have to admit that I was all over the place.

I WAS NOT COOL.

I was over excited meeting Munek.

Definitely I cannot smoke pot.  If I am like this without pot, with pot I will be in mania.

Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

29s

@radiogreenman

@traxxfmofficial

#traxxfm Alright! Iron Maiden. Up the Irons!

I have to move with certainty.

I have to assume that I was on the right Path, hypomania or not.

At least the effect now is still within control.  I am still aware.

---------------------

Now is to manage the hypomania.

The only answer is not to email anybody and no social media.

I have too much passion while I am in hypomania.

Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

8s

@elsDines

As you know, I cannot get excited. This illness is really embarrassing. I hope you understand. I don't have self-restraint either.

Damage control LOL.

Well, that's all I can do.  It had been like that since I was a teenager.

I used to feel guilty when I overreacted.  Now I just do damage control.  Fuck it.

I am Mr Jones.

So what do I do?  I should keep my world small.

This podcast is really a bad idea.  I'll give it a shot though

LESS IS MORE.

Less interface with the outside world is good.

Less stimulation

Less Els

Less Radzi

Less Munek

Less interaction

The only person who I can relate to is Yati.

Yati said to cool off Els for a week.

Recent Tweet from Els Dines

My Time - JK

on repeat since Thursday. Helped me get over a really tough time. BTS RUN made me laugh. Grateful to be an ARMY

I decided not to give the green packets to Pal's staff.  Instead I used the money to pump petrol.

From now on I have to stop the loving feeling to Els.  It is escalating the hypomania.

I NEED TO COOL OFF.

[12:31 PM, 5/31/2020] sharudinj: This is another material we can use:  https://sharudinjamal.blogspot.com/2016/11/buyers-beware.html
[9:50 PM, 5/31/2020] sharudinj: As you know, I cannot get excited.  This illness is really embarrassing.  I hope you understand.  I don't have self-restraint either.
[11:45 PM, 5/31/2020] Perth Pal Singh: I read it. You have interesting thoughts here mate. lots to explore
[11:46 PM, 5/31/2020] sharudinj: Seriously Pal...  I am a mental patient.  Why are you taking chances on me?
[11:49 PM, 5/31/2020] Perth Pal Singh: bro, we are not going live. So there you go....risk management 101 😂
[11:51 PM, 5/31/2020] sharudinj: Yeah, true...  But you are already flying high.  Why do you want to risk your reputation dealing with the mentally ill?
[11:52 PM, 5/31/2020] sharudinj: Have you thought about that part of the risk?
[11:55 PM, 5/31/2020] sharudinj: You are like PT Barnum, the Greatest Showman 🤩🤩🤩
[11:55 PM, 5/31/2020] Perth Pal Singh: I walk on the wild side and at times.... the dark side 👿. You may be the conduit/opportunity to go where no sane person has ever been. Hahaha
[11:56 PM, 5/31/2020] sharudinj: Now I understand...
[11:57 PM, 5/31/2020] Perth Pal Singh: Inside the mind of a Bipolar... not an opportunity to be missed bro
[11:58 PM, 5/31/2020] sharudinj: 🤣🤣🤣 Well you saw my blog.  That's pretty much it
[11:58 PM, 5/31/2020] sharudinj: Wild as wild can be...
[11:59 PM, 5/31/2020] sharudinj: But if you choose to be my traveling companion, then I am going very far...

What I know though as far as the mind of a Bipolar is concerned, from the time I decided to infaq my wealth to the time I decided to get well 20 years later, those are the effect of the dopamine surge on the brain.  All are unreal.

That is why right now I think I should stay away from Els.  Anything to do with Bipolar is unreal to me.  It's all amplified thoughts that doesn't make sense.

My relationship with Els doesn't make sense.  There is no relationship.

I CANNOT GET EXCITED.

Now I am normal again.

I got to sleep Sarah.

Here is your lullaby:

TORN

Even you Sarah i[n] (is) my Unreal but Beautiful Princess hahaha.  Goodnight baby.  I love you so much.

--------------------------

31/5/20 ^^^Reflection on my experience with Ar Razi

Dear Els,

I had tested your credo with the most unyielding person that I ever known.  Ar Razi is one tough nut to crack.  He is sarcastic, mean and blunt in his remarks.  Twice I had to concede to his uncompromising attitude.

He really put the credo to test.  He got on my nerve at some points but as I remember, the credo starts with If you CAN'T find a kind person...  Therefore I have to be kind when the other person is cruel.

My challenge was to pierce through his soul.  To see him at his essence.  Is this person really evil or is he largely misunderstood?

Well after two Mental Jousts I managed to have a breakthrough.  At the core Ar Razi only wants to love and be loved.

Forget that he is a dork and a Dickhead.  Some people's communication style is like that.  We need to look deep inside him *a[t] (and) look at his core values.  Turned out he has a kind heart and he cares about others.

* Thank you for the understanding Sarah.

The experiment was worth it.  Instead of striking him out, I now had embraced him as a worthy companion; a soulmate.

I had learned much from this hardened personality.  He is likened to a grumpy old man or a tough military drill sergeant who in real sense was a product of his generation.  These type of people may talk tough but in reality their hearts are soft.

Not all people are the touchy and feely type.  Some people are naturally tough because they probably come from a tough background.

Alas, we should be kind because we are the propagators of the act of kindness.  When we are kind, like you said, we are being kind to ourselves.  It's not the bite of a snake that kills a person, it's the venom spreading inside the body that is actually terminal.

In this case if I let the thought that Ar Razi pushing me around bugs me, I will eventually become a person full of resentment.  However since I managed to turn things around, I actually able to salvage what seemed to be a situation which was beyond redemption.

I hear I forget
I see I remember
I do I understand

- Confucius.

Thank you Els my darling.  Thank you for a gift of a lifetime.  From here on I will live with compassion and empathy in my heart.

Love you always, 3,000 times.

Sine cera,

SJ
31/5/20

----------------------

Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

19s

@elsDines

Darling, I had done my analysis on Ar Razi. I do need you to share your thoughts on it as well. Remember we are learning. As a consultant I need to synthesize the lesson learned so that I can share this experience with the masses. Then perhaps we can expand it more.

--------------------

31/5/20 ^^^In my mind I am playing Age of Empire

I was striking at all angles and see what strikes.  In the end it is about conquest.  The end game is Empires of the Minds.

I am still doing my bit of the Flight Path although I am doing it in a microscopic scale.  Always think local but act global.

Lizzie and I had a spat on whether I should be involved with the podcast project.  Finally I stood my ground.  I am going with the project.

This is one thing about Lizzie, to her once you failed before, you will fail indefinitely.  To her fear is her motivator.

I don't believe in permanency.  To me, I have to keep pushing until I find a way.

I am sensing another Striking Cobra with Ar Razi:

[12:05 PM, 5/31/2020] sharudinj: You said I am complex.  Well this is as far as where the Yellow Brick Road goes, Birds of Same Feathers:  https://sharudinjamal.blogspot.com/2020/03/1320-matters-pertaining-to-flight-path.html
[1:57 PM, 5/31/2020] Radzi M: No, I didn't say that you're complex. I only disagree that you're a simple person.
[1:58 PM, 5/31/2020] sharudinj: Isn't complex the opposite of simple?
[2:03 PM, 5/31/2020] Radzi M: Nope, that's b
Bush's logic. "Either you're with me, or you're against me" kinda logic. The Christian preachers use this logic alot. But from simple to complex is a whole range of possibilities. It's a point along a continuum. Also, you might be simple in one aspect but confusing in another. Take your pick.
[2:05 PM, 5/31/2020] sharudinj: How about I choose to be BOTH simple and confusing?

[2:06 PM, 5/31/2020] sharudinj: I operate at the Point of Paradox.

This is my next slam dunk:

I don't know man, talk like Yoda you are.  I am who I am, am I not?  Why do I need to fit into an Absolute Thinking mold if all this while I am a Fuzzy Thinker?  I should follow my own Path, should I not?  After all we believe what we choose to believe.  Why should I believe otherwise?  What's in it for me?

Basically the way I see it, Ar Razi is trying to put me inside his mold.  I am not ready for it.  I am a Free Radical.

Anyway, this is another joust.  Hey! I won!  Without even the slam dunk.

[2:26 PM, 5/31/2020] Radzi M: 👌
[2:30 PM, 5/31/2020] sharudinj: You know buddy, you had challenged me to look deep inside me.  You have the potential to be a great mentor.  Why not you invoke you Yoda Power and help me through my voyage?  I can do with somebody like you.
[2:31 PM, 5/31/2020] sharudinj: This is the Joseph Campbell's model.  Notice that beyond the threshold there are helper and mentor.

Hahaha...  Total silence.  Cat got his tongue it seems.

Yup, Thought Invasion is a success:

[2:47 PM, 5/31/2020] Radzi M: I'm not worthy of being a mentor to anyone. But seriously, you shouldn't care. My motto is 'simple'. Don't harm anyone or anything, and be good. If you're super complex, or the easiest person on earth it is truly irrelevant. All around you can be your mentors in your journey. Just listen, reflect and act.

My other opinion about diagrams and theories is that if they are any good they should simplify. There also the crux of the problem, just like a compressed song, you lose nuances that might actually convey what the songwriter want to it to be. To a point, it might just become noise. So too is your journey. Those little nuances will create richness in your life, if you don't already know. 

Whether you're a good person or not, you know. I can tell that you are but it's of no use unless you accept.

[2:51 PM, 5/31/2020] sharudinj: Brother, my credo is Do Good and Do No Harm.  Isn't that the same?  See?  We are Birds of Same Feathers.  Only thing is we are moving along a parallel line.  At infinity the parallel lines intersect.  See?  I remember your lesson O Great Master LOL

[2:52 PM, 5/31/2020] Radzi M: 😄😄😄

[3:26 PM, 5/31/2020] sharudinj: We are soulmates brother...

I finally made him laugh.  As I told you, whatever the problem you have, love is the answer.  As with everybody else Ar Razi just want to love and be loved.

---------------------

 Darling, the love of my life,

I hope you don't take *[take] offense over Ar Razi's remark on the previous email.  He is a dork and a Dickhead at times.

* Take Sarah's advise baby...

Here is my latest encounter.  Imagine darling, this guy was so mean to me that I deleted his handphone.  Now he is my soulmate.

What does that tell you about your credo?  I am applying it to the hilt.  All the way behind the enemy's line and it works!

Love you hon.

Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

36s

@elsDines

Baby I had another mental joust with Ar Razi. This time I settled the score. I send you the correspondence via email. Here is a song for the occasion: https://youtube.com/watch?v=04AxGWU-eNU… If you were offended by his previous remark, this song is for you.

------------------