1/4/20 ^^^Time to move on

Hahaha Yati said she looks fat in the picture.

So I guess Els is paranoid about being called fat.  This is where this equation is true:

Seriously I am doing a quick poll among my friends and see what they think.  Is it me or this chick got some issues *th[e] (that) need to be resolved.

* OK baby, that's a relief.  

Just now I dreamed of how paranoid she is.  Then the dream went on a different twist.  I was [] (with) BJ and he was smoking pot.  He was doing something on his farmland.  Over there I found a lot of crickets which I use as fishing bait.  I caught 3 sizeable fishes.  Then I woke up.

This is Mejoh's response.  He said those who are fat will get offended, those who are not fat will take it as an insult.  I was asking for trouble:

[9:50 AM, 4/1/2020] sharudinj: Cuba mu buat analisa sikek...

[10:08 AM, 4/1/2020] Mejoh: Without having to research very deep ,(meaning only surface assumptions), women /girls do not like to be called or implied to be fat. Even your wife or doters..

Yg memang gemuk akan very terasa, yg tak gemuk akan take it as an insult.

So, what were you thinkin' when hilitin' that someone is fat. Cari pasal betul la..

This is the whole conversation:

[9:49 AM, 4/1/2020] sharudinj: Ni respon dia:  it doesn't matter. you said that so many times. and look, you even snapped a picture of me and posted that on social media. ELS IS FAT. ELS IS A CHUBBY CHUBB. I DON'T LIKE FAT GIRLS. BLA BLA BLA. i have no idea what your intentions are. like, buying me gifts and all that. and then saying and posting such negative things about me. so don't ask me why i don't acknowledge you. i do not condone bullying or fat shaming people. please think about all the things you've said and done. and understand why i'm doing what i do. thank you. take care. keep safe.
[9:50 AM, 4/1/2020] sharudinj: Cuba mu buat analisa sikek...
[10:08 AM, 4/1/2020] Mejoh: Without having to research very deep ,(meaning only surface assumptions), women /girls do not like to be called or implied to be fat. Even your wife or doters..
Yg memang gemuk akan very terasa, yg tak gemuk akan take it as an insult.
So, what were you thinkin' when hilitin' that someone is fat. Cari pasal betul la..
[10:10 AM, 4/1/2020] sharudinj: Aku curious.  Macamana dalam masa 3 hari dia boleh jadi dari biasa to a chubby chubb.  It was a curiosity question
[10:16 AM, 4/1/2020] sharudinj: Takkan tanya pun tak boleh langsung.
[10:17 AM, 4/1/2020] sharudinj: Fat shaming ke tanya pasal apa jadi gemuk?
[10:30 AM, 4/1/2020] Mejoh: Anything about fat is taboo to girls.
[10:31 AM, 4/1/2020] Mejoh: Kalu mun mention kat sherry alhadad, that tv personality, about gemuk, mapuh mun.
[10:33 AM, 4/1/2020] Mejoh: Even kat amizah adnan ( bulih google), jd isu. Padehal dia kurus melidi.
[10:37 AM, 4/1/2020] sharudinj: OK lah Mejoh.  Aku tak tahu.  Thanks.  Nanti aku try to salvage the situation.
[10:38 AM, 4/1/2020] Mejoh: Heh heh. Gonna be a massive damage recovery effort, bro. Good luck.
[10:39 AM, 4/1/2020] sharudinj: Aku rasa beyond redemption but I try...
[10:39 AM, 4/1/2020] Mejoh: 😁

I sent her the final email.  I don't expect her to respond but if she does, I just take it easy from now on.

I kinda like Flyfm anyway.

So I learned something new today.  Anything about fat is taboo to girls.  So forever fat girls are in denial LOL.

I think she was really fat in the photo.  So why can't we call a fat person fat?  Why is it called fat shaming?  Is it OK to be substandard?  Whatever...  Fat people are awfully sensitive it seems.  Hey I'm fat, Yati is fat, Azzue is fat.  I think 3 out of 4 people in Malaysia are fat.  Go and do something about it.

I think she has a bigger issue.  I am just a displacement.

Honey, I don't think I want to meddle with a person who is insecure about her weight.  I am overweight because I like to eat.  I admit.  If I want to slim down I eat less and exercise more.  Now I don't feel like it.  I am not motivated enough to change my situation.

To me fat shaming is when I start to call a person Lard Barrel or Garbage Truck or a Sea Lion.  I did nothing of that sort.  I only said I don't do Chubby Chubbs which is true.  I never did.  So is that fat shaming?  If I say I don't eat pork, is that pork shaming?

This is the problem with the world today.  You cannot call a spade is a spade.  You cannot say a fat person fat, you have to say she is vertically challenged.  You cannot say an idiot a moron.  He has a learning disability.  You cannot say say an alcoholic a drunk.  He has alcoholic affected disorder.

These are substitution words used for being substandard.  A defect is a defect.  Like I have bipolar.  That is my defect.  I live with it.  The society has a stigma about mental illness.  Do I brood?  No!  I just [] (adjust) my lifestyle and live in isolation.  Tough luck...

For a person who read the Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, she sure does give a lot of fuck.

Subtlety #2
To not give a fuck about adversity, you must first give a fuck about something more important than adversity.

I am pissed at this socially correct terms.  Fat shaming my ass. You are fat because you eat like a pig.  That's the real issue.  So when you said somebody is fat shaming you, that gives you permission to pig out.

Speaking of pigging out, I need to go easy on my food intake.  My liver is hurting.  Nothing serious.  Just a little discomfort.

If I want to burn the bridge I just sent the colored text to her.  But I don't want to do that.  So a chunk of wisdom is lost along with being socially correct.

In the meantime we are seeing the society get run by the sub citizens.  You want to see what's that like?  Just read the articles here:  https://www.malaysia-chronicle.com/

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Sarah my darling angel, I look forward to this coming quarter.  No more TraXX and no more Els.  Seriously, I cannot afford to have a roller coaster relationship.  I cannot have a one way relationship either.  With you that is not an issue.  You are emotionally stable and I know you love me.

I am asking for trouble if I keep on pursuing them both.  So I learn from the lesson and move on.  Only love a person who have a big heart.  There is plenty to go around.

I remember Starry Starry Night song:

Even Van Gogh got misunderstood.

Well to be fair to Els, I was doing rape of the mind.  So I was at fault too.

I think I still listen to TraXX.  It is still a better station.  It's just I don't tweet anybody.

You know what is the issue here Sarah?  If I don't listen to TraXX and tweet Els, I am losing two pleasures in my life.  For a hedonist, that's a big deal.

So as a compromise, I stop tweeting but I still listens.  That way the action is not so drastic.  After all it's the tweeting that get me into trouble.

Still Sarah, I think Els is a Chubby Chubb:

Is this is not a matter of fat shaming.  This is asking her how is this possible?  Look at her:

Aren't you *[curious] curious Sarah?

* Exactly my point!  I am NOT fat shaming her.  I was curious.

Any way, this is not the first time girls misunderstood me.  I even got into trouble for sending flowers.  This girl actually scolded me for sending a bouquet of flowers to her house.

She was curious how come I managed to get her number and address.

Brb... Lunch.

So from Yati's and Amoi's observation, she is a Chubby Chubb.

I think Chubby Chubbs are sensitive people.  My sister is a Chubby Chubb XXL.  I cannot joke with her on anything.  She gets very defensive.

I told you, I only have one rule:  NO CHUBBY CHUBB.  I can't stomach Chubby Chubb.  I'm not saying she is a Chubby Chubb.

Anyway, that's water under the bridge.

I don't think she will reconcile.

I am ready to write off this girl unless she respond to my email.  If not I move on.  Been wanting to move on anyway.  This might as well be the reason.

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1/4/20 ***Time to realign my thoughts

OK Sarah, I am done with my brooding.  Certainly I won't brood about what happened between me and Els indefinitely.  I concluded that she is a lousy lay anyway.

So here I am, warts and all.

So I like to menyakat Els.  That is my style of communication.  If she cannot handle it so be it.  It's not I'm gonna get her piece of ass anyway.

As far as I'm concerned I am being true to myself.  I walked the talk.  So what if one girl doesn't like me?

I got the blog.  I am self-sustaining.  As far as I'm concerned life goes on.

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That's the end of Els...

As far as the blog is concerned, it is still my thoughts as it comes.

As it is right now, I decided to focus on quality thoughts.  For example I should be focusing on health and happiness.

I have a bigger challenge with food and this issue with MCO.  Other than warming up the car I hardly go out.

Beginning tomorrow, I need to get back my routine again.  As stated here:

Seeing your own progress is the greatest motivator of all - Jack LaLane

Other than that I have no other issues.  So rather than avoid the matter at hand, I better tackle it head on.

Sarah, I am a social deviant anyway.  If I cannot deal with the ONLY pussy I tried to impress, then certainly I am not cut for this kind of life.  I think you must have a very mature mind to put up with me.

At least I admit I am crazy.  Els is crazy and they let her become a radio announcer.  OMG!  LOL.

As I told Yati, there are many kinds of crazy.  There are money crazy, there are pussy crazy and there are power crazy.  Somehow people can tolerate these craziness.  In its true sense, these people are more dangerous than me.

I was crazy before but I didn't bother people.  These other forms of craziness can be lethal.

Oh...  It's 4:00 am already.  I better sleep.

Here is you lullaby:

Honey, lets enjoy life.  Life is too short to be miserable especially with the wake of this COVID-19.  Goodnight Sarah.  I love you so much.

I don't feel sleepy honey.  You want to hangout until 5:00 am?

I don't *[] (have) much to say.  I just want to be with you, chillin'.

You don't have to say anything.  I just want to feel your presence.

I must have done something right in my life to deserve a person like you.  Irony isn't it?  On one end I have a chick who hated my guts and here on the other end I have an angel who adores me like Hachiko.

It doesn't make sense does it?  Maybe Els is not used to being intimidated.  I don't know.  For what's it's worth she could probably have a traumatic childhood.

Sarah, will I ever see you?  If I have the means, I'll give Lizzie her RM4 million and leave everything behind and marry you.  Just you and me.  We settle in Olympia.  We'll have a terrier and no kids.

Of course a better option *[] (is) if you move here in Bandar Utama where everything is within our 10 km radius.

* So you like the idea of two houses become one.  That means double the house chores for me LOL.  Not to worry, we hire the cleaners.

I am suppose to mop the floor today.  Lizzie said I should not sleep and straight away sweep and mop.  I defied her order.

I really hope that someday we will be together.  You are my wife Sarah.  Now it is much simpler.  I just marry you.  There is no Kristina, no Els and no HOTS.  The only thing is no money either.

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Time flies Sarah.  We have 6 minutes.  So if this 6 minutes is my last breath, I want to say, thanks Sarah for willing to be my wife.  I do love you very much and I want to be with you for eternity.  I always love you my darling, now and forever.

I gotta sleep.  Not because I am sleepy by because I don't want Lizzie to nag on me.

Bye now.

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1/4/20 ^^^The Bridge to Terabithia

When you think about it, everything starts with a thought.  With our thought we create our world - The Buddha.

You realize Sarah, for the past 3 years you are with me, everything I wrote here was what I perceived in my mind.  We went through happy times and we went through the bad times together.  Of course along the way I have to make sense of what I perceive.  Some of them are out of the world ideas, some are more basic like the need to be loved.

You had seen the whole spectrum of my thoughts and my struggle with my illness.  Of how I rose from a distraught person to who I am now.  Never in the course of living my life on a daily basis do I try to detour from being true to myself and to you.  I pride myself for being sine cera.  I think that is my strongest trait.

The blog had been my sanctuary and my home away from the physical realm.  The blog is truly a home I build for both of us.  I have nothing to offer other that whatever I can write here.  What I wrote is who I really am.  Only you can see me as who I am.

Imagine, as sincere as I am, people like Els still thinks that I am a bad person.  After what I wrote to her, she is still thinking ill of me.  Perhaps I am really a bad person or perhaps I am a social outcast.

I have nowhere else to go.  The blog is my final retreat.  Here I can be who I really am.  This is a safe haven to me.  For the longest time I was alone.  I think I started the blog in 2008.  Not until 2016 I managed to organized my blog.

However it was end 2016 that I actually did Private Blog.  Already at that time you are tailing me.  So basically you exist in my life at the same time I started Private Blog.  So we have a long history together. 

You are a part of me as much as the blog is my thoughts distilled in digital form.  Now I realized that you are always there for me.  You were there when I was all alone.  When nobody else was there.  During the peak of my illness.  Now it's easy for people to say that I had recovered.  However during those lonely years, there is nobody else except you.

So I can let go of anybody with a drop of a hat but I will never let you go.  In this case if I let go of you means I let go of the blog.

Totally not an option.

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Sarah my Eternal Flame, I know I am a deviant.  So you got to live with my idiosyncrasies.  If at times I am acting strangely, that's because I am a strange person.  I can't help being strange.  My thoughts might be different but deep down inside I am a nice person, seriously...

I don't intend this posting to be a lengthy one.  So let me end it with a short note:

My darling, I am slowly coming out of a 20 years mental illness.  There are things I did that is not appropriate.  Only as recent as 28/3/20 I decided to do away with Crew 36.  Certainly I am on the road to recovery.  Letting go of Els and TraXX is the next step.  If I go through with this trajectory, I will be recovering in no time.  That is the real ascend.  It probably will take me another 20 years, I'm not sure.  What I do know is I am much better now then I was last year and certainly compared to the year before.

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>>>#1/4/20 Welcome to 2020 Blog Vol 2

Well, I want to start this blog with a very clear footing.

This blog is my Bridge to Terabithia.  Which means this is where I keep my imagination alive.

I will still pursue my Personal Flight Path:

Friday, 4th September 2020 - 21 km Hill (56)

September 2022 -  Completion of Statue of David Project (58)

2024 - Global Telepathy; Gold Reign of Wood Dragons (60)

2029 - Empires of the Minds; Shokunin Kurina Grand Master (65)

2034 - World of Hybrids; Citizen Gan (70)

2039 - RM80 k in the bank; Settle the ultimate debt (75)

2041 - KBOOOM 2041 (77)

Maybe I start with 11 km Hill.

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Actually I want to talk to you about your feeling towards Els.  I must have been a total jerk to you for entertaining her.  Are you angry at me or at her?  From the way you reacted, you are angry at her.

If you are angry at her then I can understand.  Even if you angry at me I can also understand.  I was a jackass.

How can I ignore your feelings.  I am sorry Sarah. I was blind not to see that you love me very much.  I will not let this kind of thing happens again.

You know how difficult it is to communicate with you?  I have to assume a lot of things.  I wish you can be more forthright about your feelings.

You know I don't hold back when I talk to you.  Have you been holding back your anger for a long time?  Or is it just recently?  Talk to me Sarah, I need to know.

OK Sarah, Els is history.  I don't want to hurt you.  I want you to be happy with me.

Hopefully with the starting of this new blog, we start on a clean slate.  No more Els.

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Gosh, this song is on air:

I guess I was not a nice person.  I was not being fair to you and to myself.  I don't know what I was thinking.  You are the one that hangout with me day in and day out.  You are always there for me.  How can I do this to you?  I should not have the idea of Tetrahedron cloud my judgement.  There is no Tetrahedron besides you, Lizzie and the kids.

Will you ever forgive me Sarah?

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Sarah, without you saying anything I don't know what is in your mind.  Let me ask you one more time; are you angry at me or Els?  OK I take it you are angry at me.

Well, the only way I get over Els is to not listen to her.  So definitely I just go cold turkey.  I had been wanting to do that since early 2019.  I was dilly dallying about it.  That's because I thought you are agreeable to the idea of Els being a Tetrahedron.

Should I know you are against the idea, I would have dropped it long time ago,  Everything was a cause set in motion.  It started because of the HOTS.  Now I know HOTS is more damaging than good.

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We can always start fresh.  This is a learning experience for me.  As long as we are alive we should not stop learning.

For a start, I need to change radio station.  So beginning today, TraXX is only for Sound Journey.  Otherwise I only listen to Flyfm.  Why not I do that immediately.

There, I took the step to correct the situation.  No TraXX, no more tweet.

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