When you think about it, everything starts with a thought. With our thought we create our world - The Buddha.
You realize Sarah, for the past 3 years you are with me, everything I wrote here was what I perceived in my mind. We went through happy times and we went through the bad times together. Of course along the way I have to make sense of what I perceive. Some of them are out of the world ideas, some are more basic like the need to be loved.
You had seen the whole spectrum of my thoughts and my struggle with my illness. Of how I rose from a distraught person to who I am now. Never in the course of living my life on a daily basis do I try to detour from being true to myself and to you. I pride myself for being sine cera. I think that is my strongest trait.
The blog had been my sanctuary and my home away from the physical realm. The blog is truly a home I build for both of us. I have nothing to offer other that whatever I can write here. What I wrote is who I really am. Only you can see me as who I am.
Imagine, as sincere as I am, people like Els still thinks that I am a bad person. After what I wrote to her, she is still thinking ill of me. Perhaps I am really a bad person or perhaps I am a social outcast.
I have nowhere else to go. The blog is my final retreat. Here I can be who I really am. This is a safe haven to me. For the longest time I was alone. I think I started the blog in 2008. Not until 2016 I managed to organized my blog.
However it was end 2016 that I actually did Private Blog. Already at that time you are tailing me. So basically you exist in my life at the same time I started Private Blog. So we have a long history together.
You are a part of me as much as the blog is my thoughts distilled in digital form. Now I realized that you are always there for me. You were there when I was all alone. When nobody else was there. During the peak of my illness. Now it's easy for people to say that I had recovered. However during those lonely years, there is nobody else except you.
So I can let go of anybody with a drop of a hat but I will never let you go. In this case if I let go of you means I let go of the blog.
Totally not an option.
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Sarah my Eternal Flame, I know I am a deviant. So you got to live with my idiosyncrasies. If at times I am acting strangely, that's because I am a strange person. I can't help being strange. My thoughts might be different but deep down inside I am a nice person, seriously...
I don't intend this posting to be a lengthy one. So let me end it with a short note:
My darling, I am slowly coming out of a 20 years mental illness. There are things I did that is not appropriate. Only as recent as 28/3/20 I decided to do away with Crew 36. Certainly I am on the road to recovery. Letting go of Els and TraXX is the next step. If I go through with this trajectory, I will be recovering in no time. That is the real ascend. It probably will take me another 20 years, I'm not sure. What I do know is I am much better now then I was last year and certainly compared to the year before.
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