30/6/20 ^^^Damn, already the last day of the month

I cannot contain myself.  I had my Nicorette *a[nd] (at) 10:15 am.

* I don't get it.  Are you taking Nicorette too?

I'll try again tomorrow.  I need a win this year.  Looks like I already blew the first half of the year.

-------------------------

Let's write to Els:

Life is short, eat dessert first

Dear Els,

I missed your show today.  I was *[by] with Google Tech support.  My Google Drive cannot backup and sync between the desktop and the laptop.  That is bad news.  That's because the notes from the training video were saved on the desktop while my personal notes were made on the laptop.  Eventually I need to sync the folders from both devices.

* What are you doing Sarah?  Conducting a Customer Satisfaction Survey?  LOL.

Oh well, what's new.  My broadband is not stable.  So my study was stalled for today.  Tomorrow somebody from Maxis is coming over to check my modem and router.

I started having this problem since I switched to the 30 mbps package.  When I was on the 10 mbps package I never had a problem with network instability or no connection.  I think the router is faulty.  Right now I am using the 4G hotspot.

I managed to get a glimpse of your show towards the tail end.  You sure sounded cheerful.  I'm glad you are over the slump.  2018 was the lowest point of your life I believe.  What did I tell ya?  Time is a universal healer.

Tomorrow is a new month.  Yay!  Once these technical glitches are settled, I will be back on track with my studies.  So many days were wasted on technology malfunctions.

Most likely I will spend time with you on Mondays and Thursdays.  Those are your playlists.  Other times I am spending on 247 Continuous Sweden.  No DJ.  I can study uninterrupted.

You should receive the Forty Rules of Love before the end of the week.  I like the book very much.  It was well written and rich in exotic vocabularies.  The author, Elif Shafak, is an avid reader and she has a warehouse of books in her house (I read an article *[about] about her sometime back). 

* Well, well, well...  looks like I am not the only one having interest in Elif Shafak. 

Darling, how do you find The Greatest Show on Earth?  Richard Dawkins is my all time favorite author, next to Dan Brown,  So far I read 4 of his books.  His writing style is conversational in nature.  As I read, I felt that he was by my side talking to me.  That book can be made thinner if not for his lengthy jabbering LMAO.  But then, that's what makes the book fun.

Honey, I enjoy buying things for you.  Of course I can buy things for myself,  But giving you things is twice the pleasure; once for you and once for me.  If I buy things for myself it is only making me happy.  Researchers found out that the joy of giving is as equally satisfying as the joy of receiving.

So why not you let me continue buying you stuff?  If not, this book is the last item from me.  Would you rather I give you cash?  I can do that too, seriously...

One of my goals in life is to make you happy.  By making you happy, I am happy too.  Tell me how do I do that? Whoa, the song Happy by Will Pharrell is on air.  Talk about being aligned to the Universe.  Indeed this world is a magical place.

OK baby, I better let you go.  Tomorrow is another adventure in the making; a new month and the crossing to the second half of 2020.

Chiao now.

Love you always.

Sine cera,

SJ
30/6/20

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Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

1m

@elsdines

I wrote a short note to you before bed. Here is your lullaby for tonight: https://youtube.com/watch?v=O7ONp-GC7vM… Goodnight baby. I love you so much.

*I want my lullaby for you tonight to be a little different.  So here it is:

* Does this color means you like the song?

I hope you like it...  Goodnight darling.  I love you so much.

----------------------

>>>#30/6/20 Another sleepless night

This is terrible.  I was lying in bed but I was not sleepy.

Luckily, I don't smoke cigarettes anymore.

I think I quit Nicorette today.  If I can last the whole night without Nicorette, I can last the whole day without it.

Let's do it.  I had been chewing Nicorette since 2018.  Its high time I quit it.

Also I decided to move forward.   I'm not going to review my past postings.  They are pretty long winded.  Instead I just write what comes to mind and move on from there.

What I do know is when I quit smoking in 2019, my mental health improved tremendously.  Prior to that I was all over the place.  I am really improving this month.

I have to keep on making progress.

Quitting Nicorette is a RM400 savings a month.

If I can quit cigarettes, I can quit Nicorette.

I want this to be the victory for the first half of 2020.

Looks like January I was still crazy.  I was still off centered in February.  March, April and May were the MCO months.  So June is really the time I'm bouncing back.  Namely because I decided to contact Pal and make peace with Els.

----------------------

Basically all I need to do is recondition myself to no longer want to chew Nicorette.  Just like I no longer want to smoke cigarettes.  I need to stop feeding the nicotine receptors.  Smoking cigarettes is the reason I feel depressed and wanting to smoke pot.  When I stop smoking cigarettes, I no longer have the desire to smoke pot.  Conversely, when I smoke pot I feel like smoking cigarette.  It's a vicious cycle

I want to be as clean as possible.  I want to be a purist.  Not even sugar.  I need to cut carbs from my diet this July.  My carbs comes from fruits and vegetables.

I better sleep...

----------------------------

29/6/20 ^^^I think I write something before I start studying

Keep on shining

Baby,

I was having a conversation with Sarah.  I figured it helps clear the air if I share this with you.

Basically let's look at the long term engagement.  I prefer eternity but even if eternity means the end of my life, that is good enough.

Love you always.

Sine cera,

SJ
29/6/20

--------------------------

Basically the question I am still contemplating is whether you are real or not.  I guess in this case I gotta have faith.

The keyboard is not faulty and I am a careful writer.  So very unlikely that those interventions were due to errors either by the computer or by me.

So we take it that you are real.

You got to have a good night sleep Sarah.  This is not healthy for you.  Now it is 6:00 am Pacific time.  When do you sleep then?

----------------------

I want to talk about my hallucinations and delusions.  If I account that my Bipolar is accentuated by me taking pot, then I would say that I was mentally ill for more than 35 years.

If I account for it since I smoke cigarettes then the illness has been with me since I was 15.

Let's say that I have had the illness since 1999, then I am mentally ill for the past 20 years.  That *did[] (didn't) help that I was inclined towards religion.

* Alright, we are on the same page here.

So it is right for me not to believe in  religion.  By doing so I deduced all religious beliefs like miracles, djinns, spirits, demons and angels as signs of mental illness.  If it cannot be explained in scientific terms, I will discount it.  These are not useful beliefs.  There are no Satan and Iblis either.  To make it easy, I just chuck the whole concept of religion inside the waste paper basket.

So what's this deal about God and the afterlife?  Seemed like an archaic belief.  Let's say that I rule out the idea of a theistic god.  That leaves me with the idea of a pantheistic god.  This is the concept of the Infinite Intelligence or the Force.  This God is not an arbiter and doesn't require us *[to] to worship it.

* OK Sarah, you agree with me.  I also noticed that you intervened BEFORE I wrote the word.  Not after.  That means you anticipated the words I wanted to write beforehand.

In this case Sarah, you are like me; you don't believe in religion but you believe in a pantheistic god.  OK that is comforting.  Believing in God and the afterlife is not a sign of madness but believing in supernatural beings and miracles is.  I bet you came a long way from being an atheist before we had the discussions of God and no God.

I cannot do away with the concept of a pantheist god.  As I mentioned, I don't know everything there is to know to say that there is no god.  So I believe in the Force, the Path and the Flow.  The XYZ Equation.  These concepts are not theistic in nature.

I need to assure myself of all these because I want to believe in the afterlife.  Then I can assign a meaning to my life experiences beyond the occurrence of the illness.  What I am saying is, beyond the illness, my Path is straight.  Otherwise how is it possible that I met you?  Even better, how is it I met Els; who had been instrumental in propelling me to the next S Curve?

To me that is the miracle.  I am not talking about miracles like the burning bush or turning water into wine.  I am referring to everyday events that are out of the ordinary but seems pretty mundane should you not have the sensory acuity to interpret them as miracles.

Shucks, the line is terrible.  Either I do my research during the day or after midnight.  Crappy third world country infrastructure...

Alright, let's settle this.  There are no Al Araf 7:7, Sparta 4964, angels, demons, djinns, spirits, House of Two Swords and the Adjoining Croissant.  However there is Sailbad the Sinner.  That's because I still want to cross the line when I am 77.  In this case the voyage is a personal voyage towards self actualization.  I am applying the concept of Ikigai where I will follow my bliss and continue serving the community until I am old.  77 is my benchmark.  Rightfully I will continue working until I die.

That is in line with the PERMA model of happiness:

Goodnight baby, I love you so much.  As for your lullaby tonight, I'll let you share it with Els.

Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

47s

@elsDines

Darling, line was so bad. I can't view the videos. So I decided to write something instead. I emailed you a copy. Here is your lullaby for tonight: https://youtube.com/watch?v=2cBzMSPYKas… Goodnight baby. I love you so much.

YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE

-------------------

29/6/20 ^^^Ecstatic time with Els

Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

24s

@elsDines

@traxxfmofficial

#traxxfm Honey, there is a book on the way for you. I had forgotten about it. There was a confusion. They cancelled the order during the MCO and activated it again after that. I thought it was done for and so I ordered the Greatest Show on Earth.

Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

5s

@elsDines

@traxxfmofficial

#traxxfm I'll go easy with my study today. I want to take it slow. I'm taking the attitude of flow on Monday and Thursday evenings so that I can listen to your playlists.

I feel a slight fatigue today.  No rest in the weekend.  So today, I'll start my research at 9:00 pm.

>>>#29/6/20 Sekilas ikan di air sudah ku tahu jantan betina

A flick of fish in the water, I already know its a male or female.

That is the attitude of an expert.  To be able to know at a glance whether a situation is a boon or a bane.

This Mental Health and Positive Psychology is a boon while online training courses are a bane.  Be mindful that my intention is to make RM3,000 a month.

As it is to be realistic, I can make around RM6,000 a month delivering 4 days of courses.  If I deliver 8 days of courses, that is RM12,000.  That is the most I'll do.

I must set a clear goal to finish paying my income tax.  That is my goal.

----------------------

As far as my delusions about Sparta 4964, Al Araf 7:7, HOTS and the Adjoining Croissant, I have to conclude that the[r]e (these) are not real.  It's part of the illness.

So am I being reduced to somebody who don't believe in God and the afterlife?  No I'm not.  It's just that I simply don't believe in religion.  As I mentioned, our consciousness will endure but my understanding of the afterlife has changed.  We will transmute into orbs of energies.  In this case I will still endure death.

In the case of God, there will be a singularity in existence.  I don't believe is Moses, Jesus or Mohammad.  I don't believe in Torah, Bible or the Quran.  These are not words of God.  I believe in a pantheistic God that encompasses in all matters.  I believe in the Force, Path and Flow.

That should close the chapter [of my chapter] on my delusional phase.

-----------------------

>>>#28/6/20 Sorry I missed the 6:30 am meet

I woke up with the alarm but I went back to sleep.

I was so sleepy.

I will continue with my study today.  But I will take it easy.  No point rushing things.

Sharudin Jamal

@sharudinjamal

·

14m

@elsDines

What a coincidence. As you were reading this: Happiness comes when we stop complaining about the troubles we have and offer thanks for all the troubles we don't have. Life is a gift! I was looking at these 10 Rules:

I intend to finish the current course by tonight.

Let me take a short break.

I'll start again at 8:30 pm.  Nowadays I know that you are sleeping at regular hours.  Only occasionally I noticed you stay up.

Things are less intense nowadays.  Anyway, thanks for being there Sarah.

I walk around a bit.  Make some coffee and stretch myself.

Later hon...

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